As humans we crave connection and relationship. We desire to find the love of our life and to spend the rest of it with that person! Our soulmate!
That one person in the world that is “meant” for us! You know what I’m talking about! That person who will “fit” with you perfectly and finally make you feel happy and complete. But what if we have it all wrong? What if we don’t truly understand what a soulmate is?!?
I’d like to share the definition that Dictionary.com provides us which is,
So as we can see from the above definition, a soulmate is simply a person we have a strong affinity, (definition: a natural liking for or attraction to a person) shared values and tastes. This definition tells me that it’s simply a person you meet that is very similar to yourself in the simplest definition.
Wait?!? What about the perfect person that’s out there for you? Does this mean that there isn’t one?
I believe the answer is YES! It means there isn’t one! There is no perfect person out there for you!
So if there isn’t a “perfect” person out there for us and we shouldn’t chase the “right” person, what should we do?
I believe the answer to this question is actually quite simple, however, we make the process much more difficult!
We must first realize that another person, no matter how great, will never fulfill our eternal happiness! They will never be able to give us peace within our spirit.
The other person may make us happy at times, but there’ll be times they’ll make us unhappy! If we realize this, we’ll stop placing our happiness in the hands of the person we are with and will stop being disappointed when they can’t provide it!
So what should we do if we want to find the person that’s right for us?
If You’re Without Peace, That Must Be Fixed First!
Happiness is a temporary feeling as I said above. Peace (Eternal Happiness) is what most of us are truly looking for. Peace to understand that life happens, that not everything works out in our favor, that good and evil happens to both good and evil people.
If you don’t have this peace, whether you find it in religion or self-discovery, you must first take steps to achieve this state of mind. There will never be a person that is able to give you this peace. This is something that only comes from within. Only something you can control!
I believe that’s why our Declaration of Independence says, “the pursuit of happiness.” It’s something we must constantly work towards, not something that will just magically show up.
Until you are able to operate in this peace, this state of mind, you’ll never find someone who will make you feel complete because that’s not what a relationship is about!
You Must Love Yourself First in Order to Love Others!
The second thing we must realize is that in order to truly love another human, we must first love ourselves. This sounds like an easy task and I believe most believe they do, yet we can see from our interactions with others that this simply isn’t the case most times.
Loving yourself comes from accepting yourself. All parts of yourself. Your perfections and your flaws. It’s the ability to realize at the end of the day no matter what happens you are an amazing person! Sure, you may make mistakes and you may constantly have issues you need to work on, but it’s accepting the fact that none of us are and never will be perfect.
It’s through this realization that we gain a very important emotion called empathy which is defined as:
In laymen’s terms this means we reach an understanding that others are imperfect and instead of getting upset or angry we understand that all of us, including ourselves, are imperfect and we gain a greater ability to show love and kindness even when others do us wrong.
You see when you truly love yourself, you’ll see your imperfections but instead of covering them up, you learn to embrace them! You’ll realize you don’t need someone else to make you happy! You start to understand that it’s all the shit you’ve dealt with in life that has produced the person you are today. Maybe not all of your qualities make you happy, but you realize without the hardships you’ve faced you wouldn’t have the positive qualities that make you…you!
Focus on Your Values Instead!
Instead of focusing on finding the right person, I believe it’s more important to learn to love yourself and then define your values. If you aren’t sure what you stand for or against then it will be hard to find someone who “fits” you because your values will constantly shift.
This doesn’t mean that your values can’t change over time or that the priorities of your value may shift, it simply means you have taken the time to decide which values are important to you so you understand what you need to look for in a mate instead of simply chasing any good looking person that shows up.
It also helps you avoid getting mixed up with a person that could potentially cause you harm!
Determine What You Can’t Live With!
After determining what values are important to you and what you look for in another person you must also determine those things that you simply are unable to tolerate in a relationship. This doesn’t mean to judge or condemn those that may have those characteristics, but instead it’s simply realizing before you enter a relationship that because of your particular values or priorities there are things you can’t live with.
Again, I want to stress that this doesn’t make either you or those that may have those particular characteristics right or wrong, it’s simply a case of different perspectives and goals in life.
The reason this is important is two-fold. You see, it protects you from wasting your time with someone who doesn’t work for you, but it also stop you from wasting someone else’s time which is equally as bad!
It’s Easy to Focus on Looks
Listen, we all get uglier as we get older, well most of us anyways! It’s kinda what happens as we age. I’m not saying looks are bad or that wanting to be with someone attractive is bad, but you must realize at the end of the day, looks will fade!
If your goal is to simply hook up with a hot guy or hot girl, then by all means, chase after the looks, but I feel you’re doing an injustice to yourself and to others. If that’s all you’re good for is a hookup, you’ll constantly struggle to find true happiness with another person.
I believe it’s more important to stick to the values, goals and characteristics that you know will match or fit yours.
A Relationship is About You, But…
Sure, a relationship is about you and your happiness, but we must also remember that it’s about the other person just as much. Your goal in a relationship should not be to control or change a person but instead to help them become the best version of themselves.
Of course, they should also be providing this for you, but I don’t believe you can think about that, because the moment you do, you’re making the relationship about you instead of them, which in my opinion, will ultimately begin the downfall of your relationship. I heard a quote once that said something along the lines, “A relationship is 50/50 it’s 100/100 and I think there have never been truer words uttered.
If the person is toxic and constantly assaulting you physically or mentally then that’s a different story and something in my opinion that should be dealt with immediately and swiftly. My point more has to do with understanding that if you truly love the other person your concern and focus will always be them and their happiness.
Admittedly it’s not an easy thing to deal with when you feel you are getting the short end of the stick, but I promise you if you stick with love, instead of control and anger, your relationship will succeed. Not only will it succeed but it will flourish beyond your wildest dreams!
Lastly, I’d like to admit one very important fact. I’m single. I’m not with the love of my life and who knows, maybe I have it all wrong, but I am divorced and I do understand what not doing the above things can and will do to a relationship and it’s simply through my mistakes that I hope I can offer a little help!
May you truly find the “love of your life!”